Procrastination for the Nation

Jan 18th

I have had a nice day today. Don’t look so shocked!

This morning I woke up to the sound of a cuckoo (I bought Esther a clock that plays different bird sounds every hour. It was more for me really.)

I put my trousers on, had a cup of tea, and thought about leaving the house.

"I was too big for your letterbox"

Today was going to be a productive day. I walked up to the post depot to collect my LADY GAGA graphic novel.

On the way up, it was sunny and crisp. Ahead of me was one of those girls who only wears leggings with no thought to her ass. I couldn’t help but note how her ass wiggled, and I thought “Where do they learn that? Finishing school for the sexually precocious?” Instead of a book on their head, I imagine an exercise involving opening doors with your buttocks.

I wish I could walk like that.

Anyway, picked up Lady G and treated myself to a trip round the Co-Op. I always go to Tescos you see, so it makes a refreshing change to go round a different massive generic chain store. I stood contemplating in front of the reduced section. Normally in Tesco, you have to fight for a good view. Sometimes when one of the staff is there with *gasp* a sticker gun and a pile of food- then the crowd becomes a scrum and the scrum becomes a mosh pit.

"80p? Let me at the all day breakfast sandwiches!"

But here in early morning Co-Op, I was completely on my own. I could take my time, and I did. ‘Hmm what nearly-off stodge would I like today?’ I mused with pleasure.

I chose an American style baked cheesecake and two pairs of muffins (lemon meringue and double chocolate).

I knew I was going to be at home all day, so I wanted to stock up. I get panicky otherwise.

I walked home, past the place that has fish-that-eat-your-feet-skin. A potential birthday present, Esther assures me.

Once home, made a cup of tea and set to work. After about 20 mins I started to feel hungry and rang Esther who was putting makeup on in the next room.

“Do you want elevensies, darling?” I ask

"I hear he's not even started work yet, and it's 12 already!" "Tsk!"

“I’ve just eaten a sugar mouse” she groans. “But I’ll have a cup of tea”.

I sit next to her and eat a lemon meringue muffin with my tea. Right, back to work.

An hour later, I feel hungry. Esther comes back from her CBT and it’s time for lunch.

I forgot to get any savoury food in the supermarket, so I have to eat the 3 mini pepperamis left in the fridge.

Back to work. I manage to get about 15 mins of solid work done, then my brain wanders.

“Hmm are there any interesting birds in the back garden? No. I wonder what everyone is doing out there in the world? Oh I can’t see anybody. I wonder how my coursemates are getting on with this work. Best not ask just in case.”

I start to feel sleepy, with the afternoon lull I always get around 3pm. I run downstairs and scoff some chocolate to wake me up.

Some more work.

Then Esther comes back and it’s time for afternoon tea.

I’m not sure what happened after that. Lots of cups if tea, staring at the computer screen, and washing up I think.

"I'm parched for a cuppa, it's been 30 whole minutes since the last one!"

I’ve got to work tomorrow. I wish every day was like today. Oh well.

Jan 2nd 2011

Beast Claws coming atcha

Urgh. Got woken up at 8.30 by Goldie. She crawls commando style up the bed and whines while trying to stick her long freaky tongue in my face. The nightmare part is when her massive beast claws rise up over the edge of the duvet and scratch your face. A couple of weeks ago, we were snowed in, and I woke up to Goldie’s commando routine and the festering stench of a HUGE dog shit on the landing. Thank god for lino.

After cleaning it up, and the puke I did next to it, I finally fell back into a fitful sleep, vowing never to ignore her again.

So now she knows how to guilt trip me, and she uses it like a pro. I manage to go downstairs and let her out in a waking sleep state now, and then go back to bed. Today, I woke up at 1.15pm when the dreams got too loud.

Down the hill we go, to the halfway house for the chronically apathetic (Chez Lisa).

“Cleavage is back in fashion” Lisa says, reading Look, “Dammit”
Esther sniggers. They could both pass as men if it wasn’t for their outspoken hatred for them.

I’m bored. I have nothing to fear really. I am cushioned from war and extreme poverty and pain. We are brought up in zoo conditions- with no natural predators and a welfare state that cushions every reality blow.
So, we have to invent things to make us feel emotion- we become adrenaline junkies, getting high on self-set dangers, Base jumping, Parkour, Sky diving (though that’s a bit 20th century now), playing video games, hoovering drugs. Anything to break the monotony, to remind us that our body is capable of instinctual movement and the seemingly mythical fight or flight serotonin orgy.

Because going to war and actually risking death is just silly, we tend to enjoy acting out the fantasy of megalomania and bloodlust on games console. Here’s a list of the best selling Xbox games:

The top ten Xbox 360 games.

  1. Halo 3 (8.1 million)[24]
  2. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (7.481 million approximately; 6.471 million in US,[25][26][27][28] 87,374 in Japan,[29][verification needed] at least 1 million in UK)[30]
  3. Gears of War (5 million,[31] may include PC version)
  4. Gears of War 2 (5 million)[32]
  5. Grand Theft Auto IV (4.356 million approximately: 3.29 million in US,[33] at least 1 million in UK,[30] 59,893 and 6,210 Platinum in Japan)[29]
  6. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (4.226 million approximately: 3.04 million in US,[34] 78,000 in Canada,[35] 54,742 and 53,722 Platinum Collection/The Best in Japan,[29] at least 1 million in UK)[30]
  7. Fable II (3.5 million approx. worldwide)[36]
  8. Call of Duty: World at War (3.35 million approximately: 2.75 million in US,[33] 600,000 in UK)[37]
  9. Halo: Reach (3.3 million in North America)[38]
  10. Halo 3: ODST (3 million)[39]

Every single one involves going around killing people. To death. In the most horrible ways possible. This is how most of us get our ‘reality’ fix- by finding something that gives us what reality can’t- a purpose. “Life is alright really because I must kill the enemy”. Perhaps a radical rewriting of Descartes is in order: “I pretend to be, therefore I am”.

"What ever shall I wear?"

It seems news has travelled fast about my ‘issues’. Weasel and Kung Fu got me a radio alarm clock with an outside temperature sensor. This is because “We know you worry about what you’re going to wear when you get up because you don’t know what it’s like outside. Well, now you do” they explained cheerfully. “Oh thank you” I replied, cursing Esther’s blabbermouth. All my hard work to look like competent son-in-law material down the frickin’ pan.

Dom and Esther got me two items of clothing that I can’t even get over my fat ass. A pair of funky leggings and some gold jeans. Way to make me feel skinny guys. They are on the ‘Sleep Through 3 Meals’ diet. I am on the ‘A Pudding with Every Meal Diet’.


  1. Get fatter
  2. Write a book
  3. Spend more money on tat

At least I’m only likely to fail miserably at one of them.