That Joke Just Isn’t Funny Anymore


Mon 21st

Lisa is embarrassed because she got a bit angry with time and screamed:

“THAT’S IT! JOKE’S OVER! I DON’T WANT TO GET OLD ANY MORE!!”

Then she remembered she had neighbours.

I keep cringing because when I tried to interview one of the artists for my BANK article, I pulled out my toothbrush instead of my pen. And it was covered in fluff from my bag.

The cringes get so bad sometimes that I have to wriggle in my seat to make them go away.

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Tues 22nd

Couldn’t sleep last night, kept thinking about buttered toast. Finally got up about 2am and made Tesco Butter Me Upped toast. It was rubbish.

I feel like a meerkat on high alert today. Interestingly, meercats didn’t exist before 1994. David Attenborough made them out of fluff he found in his pocket.

Bullsh” is my newly coined swearword. It’s more expressive than the American “bull!” and allows you more of a frisson with the naughty word on the end.

Wed 23rd

Had a sex dream (a ‘seam’? A ‘drex’?) about my ex girlf. Now I can’t stop thinking about how to express it algebraically.

I’ve got it:

(S)ex

Esther is still asleep as I get ready for work.

“Why does your mouth sound funny?” she slurs as I eat breakfast.
“Alpen,” I say.
“Oh.”

Idea: There should be a rap band called The P’d O’s, with members dressed like Jimmy Savile, Gary Glitter and Justin Bieber.

Thurs 24th

I’m at the busstop. There’s a girl with studs on her Ugg boots (ugh), and studs on her hoody, and studs all over the shoulder of her jacket. It’s like she stood too long under a tree full of metal birds.

Dreamt that all the hipsters were buying East 17 gatefold LPs and I was well jel because now I would be forced to not like them anymore in the face of much cooler people soaking up all their likeability.

Fell asleep flossing while watching Cabaret.

"Dog food totin' SEX cap boastin' proto-hipster-chav"

“Dog food totin’ SEX cap boastin’ proto-hipster-chav”

Fri 25th

Just watched the first episode of Girls. Esther was not impressed: “It’s not a thriller, it’s not funny, and it’s trying hard to be cool.”

Rare Person Sighting: A man walking along with his hands clasped behind his back. Bless.

Sat 26th

Esther: “I was dreaming that the future belonged to Andrex, and they were knocking down all the houses and killing all the people that weren’t pretty enough.”

Esther is very resourceful. At least once a week, I find her buffing her teeth with a filter tip. She also uses it to correct her mascara.
She’s like an urban Ray Mears.

"The future is soft, strong and very long"

“The future is soft, strong and very long”