Help I’m a Royalist…

"Get your filthy lips off me, you big eared bigot" "Oh, go and convert to islam, you bleeding heart whore"

I had a proper sleep in, and woke up at 12. Went downstairs to get breakfast and then realised with a start ‘Cripes, I’m missing the Royal Wedding!’

Hotfooted it back upstairs to our mega Sony TV (sponsorship please)- but I had missed the ‘I Dos’ and had to settle for the sickening pomp of the time-killing rest of the ceremony. I don’t want to look at choir boys and bored aristocratic tweenies- I want to see the secret back-room finger fumbles of Wills and Kate, their whispered ‘Can’t wait to get you homes’s.

"Is this what you want, you blood sucking plebs?"

Enough with this ‘Off with their heads’ mentality- it’s all empty posturing. Resurrecting the horror of the French Revolution is not cool or timely, it’s a false righteousness, a studenty beer-fuelled bravado. You may as well call for some Nazi showers to be installed in No. 10. Lovely.

I know how Willy feels. On New Year’s Eve I was told I was the spit of William. I am sure that I have some blue blood in me. I almost bought a Croquet set from Netto the other day. But there isn’t any grass in my garden. And it was bleedin’ £30.


These are 2 pretty young people thrust into lives of duty and seriousness. People will hate them for their privilege and symbolism, but it’s not their fault.

But why do they have to sing about his mum/her mother-in-law? Surely that’s off-putting? God Save Our Gracious Queen is a crap song and a sickly sentiment. Jerusalem, that’s a good ‘en, a nice foot tapping melody and some dark lyrics from William Blake, Pete Doherty’s Great Great Grandad . It’s the Europe’s Final Countdown of hymns.

He’s chosen a good ‘un. Beautiful, ambitious, conniving- she has the same personality as Posh Spice, but can deliver on her dreams. She is the Pauper Bride who used to plan her wedding aged 8. Fuck Katie Holmes and her ‘I used to have posters of Tom Cruise on my wall’. He’s a paedo and she is his child bride. Kate Middleton has come good. She has sold her beauty for a piece of blue iced cake.

I do agree that the older ones need to fade away now- ugly and awkward and unpopular. Prince Phillip has suffered from Foot-in-Mouth disease for his whole adult life and is surely a case for euthanasia.

The Royal Family are just as fucked up as us plebs: divorce, adultery, bigotry and baldness. They are an upper class Shameless and I love them for it.

I wish that every time I was kissed, people cheered. I wish I looked that hot in a dress. I wonder if Harry Wales and Philippa Middleton will fuck tonight, as their newly wedded siblings suffer brewers droop and stifled libido under the pressure of being so public? I bet they fucking will- he’s a dirty boy that Harold. Nazi uniforms, puffing delinquently on roll-ups, and glowering with red cheeked mischief. Just like everyone’s kid brother surely?

Now I’m going to go and style my hair like Wills in the hope that people will double take as I walk the streets.

"I'm keeping a lid on my male pattern baldness"

Here’s to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (what no Prince and Princess??). Young Love caught up in some ugly politics. Forget all that and giggle as Harry tells William what he’s missing as Kate glides up the aisle (though Esther reckons he’s saying “She shouldn’t be wearing white, should she bro”). Thrill as William mouths “you look beautiful” as Kate arrives at his side in her ridiculously sexy dress. You lucky bastards.

Oh no, Esther’s getting some ideas now. How can I top this??

"Back off bitches, he's mine"