Godiva is staying for the weekend. She is the best dancer I have ever seen. She looks like a flower child made of pollen and honey, glistening in the sun.

We went to see Dom’s band Death Rays last night. They were so good that I felt like a starstruck fan. ‘Notice me! Notice me’ I wanted to shout. The brilliant bastards.

If I could get a voice transplant and drink Brain Eno’s liquidised brain, I would love to be in a band. But I don’t think they do that on the NHS, and I’m not a fan of cannibalism. Next lifetime maybe? Either that or come back as an otter.. They seem to have a good time.

Here’s me and the missus last Summer in Norfolk:

I can’t stop listening to this Runaways cover by Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart. Esther won’t let me watch the film because it will make her feel old and ugly. It will make me feel old, ugly and sick with lust. I can’t wait.

My youth is dwindling. I will never be 15 again, and I’m glad, it was shitty.

We are lounging in bed watching Casualty. “Cup of tea” says Esther, giving me puppy dog eyes.

“If I make you a cup of tea, will you have sex with me?” I ask.

“No” she says. Worth a try.

I go and put the kettle on.

I’d like to leave you with this image: the sad fate of a flying elephant.

Bye Bye Ronnie, Hello Kristen!

Jan 7th
Lisa is bedridden with tonsillitis. This means that rather than sitting downstairs and chain-smoking, she is reclining in bed doing it.

"I'm outta here Jack"

In other news, Ronnie is leaving Eastenders because she’s fed up of weeping every episode. Her face has begun to set in the form of a melting alien

“Oh no my prodigal daughter’s dead”

“Oh no my rapist dad’s dead”

“Oh no my replacement baby’s dead”

“Oh no my career based purely on my looks is dead”

She shouldn’t have changed her name to Womack then should she? A recipe for blubbing-

8,400 complaints for her sustained ugliness. Wow, harsh.

Just noticed that the BBC bigwig says”The DNA of EastEnders has always been to take big strong social issues and wrap them in a traumatic wrapper.” This shows a basic ignorance on capitalism- no-one’s going to buy sweets that are covered in pics of tooth decay are they? People only put up with corpses on their Golden Virginia because they’re addicted.

Excuse me while I go and sit by the phone- Kristen Stewart has finally seen sense…

Reports suggest R-Pattz has decided to ‘end things’ with his Twilght co-star…

Hope my grandad doesn’t call because I shall have to be abrupt: “naff off old man, Kristen wants me”