Bite Me! Please!

"Oi! Don't blog about me or else!"

Last night I dreamt that my parents were murdered by a mob of arsonists who I had outraged with my blog. They included my fashion designer friend Viv, and a stony faced Thomas Turgoose, who loitered outside my house with a can of petrol and his anaemic face glistening in the moonlight.

I shall have to watch what I say from now on. But I think the horse has already left the building on that one.

I had the day off today. I spent the morning watching Rescue 999, and there was a boy who had been bitten by an Adder.

“That’s not fair!” I muttered.

“I bet you wish that was you, don’t you?” Esther said, adding

“I bet you’d like to get bitten by a bittern”

How does she manage to get inside my head so easily? Am I that predictable?

Anyway, it got me thinking what British wild animals I’d like to be nipped, gummed and snarled at by. Here’s my Top 5 (in descending order of likeliness):

  1. A Pony
  2. A Stag Beetle’s stag bits
  3. An Adder
  4. A Bittern (for pun’s sake)
  5. Esther. Well, any physical contact would do. I want a vampire girlfriend!

Bittern, yesterday: "Oh no you fricking don't"

Apparently, Lisa was stalked by a Robin in Endcliffe Park while she waited for Esther outside the Doctors. She found it sitting on the pavememnt behind her, giving her the evils. She moved away a few metres and looked back- it had moved closer and was sat in a tree next to her.

She breathed a sigh of relief when Esther returned.

“I was beginning to feel uncomfortable” she admitted.


Outside the Royal Hallamshire, there’s a massive plaque that shouts: ARS LONGA VITA BREVIS.

I looked it up. It means “ART IS LONG, LIFE IS SHORT”.

Imagine heading into the hospital to visit your sick relative, and here’s a sculpture laughing at the feebleness of life, saying,

“Ha! I’ll still be here when you and your puny offspring are plantfood!”

Perhaps it’s meant to be reassuring. We are all grains of dust giving the universe temporary conjunctivitis etc.

But doesn’t it make you just want to smash it’s laughing granite face? No wonder the NHS is going to pot, if these are the kind of motivational slogans being put around the place.

"Right back atcha"