Help I’m a Desperate Introvert!


Linda is halfway through her incarceration. She has a litter tray in the corner of our attic bedroom, and every day goes she climbs in, circles round and sticks her bum out to wee. Then she scratches at the litter and the tiles pathetically, before puffing up her chest and standing like the Nowhere Man in Yellow Submarine while she poos.

Quickly, before it stinks out the room, I have to run over and gather it up in some loo roll and flush it down the toilet, while she carries on trying to cover it over.

She presumes she has done an amazing job at covering it up.

This weekend I was again reminded of the hazards of accompanying pretty girls in public. I was walking Devo and Goldie in the park with Lisa, Esther and Govinda. As we marched along, 2 chav boys sat up on the hill wolf whistled. I was the only one of us that heard and as I turned round, they shouted

“Not you, you nob”.

I have to say I was disappointed. I’m here too you know. I especially hate walking along with Lisa because I become practically invisible- women look on in envy/amusement and men look in confusion at her punky tomboy femininity.

I just can’t compete. Many of you probably think I shouldn’t even be trying, but I’m far too vain for heterosexual rules.

22nd March

We are telling Govinda how me and Esther met. I summarised it as follows:

“You were looking for a victim and I was looking for a bully”

and then

“I was looking for the right thumb to be under”

Esther pipes up: “And I was looking for someone who wouldn’t wriggle”.

Apparently she gave me 10/10 for looks

Then noticed my personality,

So knocked it down to a 7.5.

I can feel a personality crisis coming on.

Lisa has started to watch educational daytime TV programmes. Here comes her thought of the week: “it was the Romans that did it, they came on elephants”.

"I have to be drunk to talk to the elephants"

Not to sound downright rude, Esther was the elephant in the room. Before I met her, I could only see a certain style. I could only see girls’s faces if an edgy art school fringe framed them. Esther had none of their ‘I’m so kooky’ affectedness and so she was invisible, despite spending many hours ogling me, working out if I looked gay. After a while she presumed I must be.

Everyone I noticed was aloof and made me feel invisible. I was looking in the wrong place- looking at girls I wanted to be, with status and style that I wanted to possess.

It was only when my housemates told me they’d met a girl who they were going to ask back to ours that I saw her. Dammit I thought, she is gorgeous and I’ve got no chance against the three extraverts I lived with.

To cut a long story shirt, she still wanted me after I’d made her sit through Night of the Hunter (what a date movie), lost miserably at thumb wars, and seen my housemate writhing around on top of the kitchen cupboards in a monkey costume, throwing everything food at us.

Right now, as I write this, Esther is lying in bed next to me and every 5 minutes I roll a fruit pastille down the pillow to butt against her mouth, which opens to let it in.

Love, eh?