I am the God of Hellfire and I bring you…Puns


Fri 10th Jan

Just attempted to sing Fire by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown to my iphone to see if Shazam recognized it.

“I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE AND I-”

“SHHH! What the hell are you doing?” Esther shouted over me.

Not wanting to interrupt my perfect rendition, I continued.

“Doo-Doo Do Do Do Do Doo-Doo Do Do Do Do Do Doo-Doo”

“Just seeing if it recognizes the song” I explain.

“You’re not even singing the tune!” she says and stomps off to let the pets out. Song Not Recognized comes the damning reply.

I think the thing that really got her goat however was my hysterical laughing at Police Academy, especially the bits that aren’t funny. The angrier she gets, the closer I get to hysteria. But then I have a revelation that shocks me to my core-

Steve Guttenburg is really good looking! We’re talking painful to watch his beauty good looks…he spends the movie running around in a sleeveless crop top and denim hot pants, and it only serves to enhance his masculinity, and at one point, Esther cries out-

“Whoah! Look at that package!”

Short cute guys have all the fun. Us giants over 5’6 lumber around like drunken zombies while these fresh faced whippersnappers nip in and out getting all the girls. Sigh.

Sat 11th Jan

What better way to spend a Saturday than with my brainbox mother, who has booked us in to a writing workshop in Hipsville, Manchester. After a word-association game, we have this list of words:

  1. Ireland
  2. Moscow
  3. Show
  4. Hare
  5. Folly
  6. Chi
  7. Gong
  8. Mandolin
  9. Moccasins
  10. Beer Tent
  11. Hebrew
  12. Beard
  13. Forecast
  14. Cabbages
  15. Shoe Laces
  16. Polyhedron
  17. Ampersand
  18. Colt
  19. Domino
  20. Macerate
  21. Hydrating
  22. Loblolly (my mum’s suggestion… “I don’t know what it means though”)
  23. Dormouse
  24. Parrot

And the task is to make a story using them all. Unable to think of anything but puns, here’s my story;

Polly H. looked anxiously at the latest deals on skyscanner.net. Ireland offered  a green, Guinness land where colts ran below like unravelling shoelaces or the stubbed toe-ends of a Hare Krishna’s moccasins. Moscow meanwhile was her loblolly- the one place she could see her mother-in-law (founder of the Hadron collider, hence her full name- Polly Hadron) refusing to visit. Entering her card details, she grinned like a snow hare.

Arthur Rank winced as the check-in lady read his name out, waiting for the inevitable gong joke, which never came. He was fluent in Mandolin, but marred by dyslexia. The beer tent where he had picked up his Hebrew (the barmaid’s Aramaic was a little rusty) had been his greatest folly- he’d dribbled his Chi away make no mistake; and the chance of rehydrating was as slim as a parrot forecast of a dormouse apocalypse.

Suddenly, his pants fell like dominoes- the nervous twitch in his left hand had finally macerated his eco-friendly cabbage belt. Turning in horror, he found himself face to face with the girl of his dreams- well, last night’s anyway.

“It’s you!” he said incredulously

“Yes” she retorted, “And?”

“Huh?” he mumbled in confusion

She breathed on his glasses and etched out an ampersand in the condensation.

“That’s not what you’re meant to say” he replied wistfully

“It is in my dream” she replied, flicking her floppy mane so it enmeshed itself velcro-style in his beard….

Sun 12th Jan

“Apparently Whitney Houston is dead…” I say gingerly. Esther is a child of the 80s like me, and I’m not sure how sad she will be.

“Good!” Esther retorts in an instant and rolls over in bed.

Procrastination for the Nation


Jan 18th

I have had a nice day today. Don’t look so shocked!

This morning I woke up to the sound of a cuckoo (I bought Esther a clock that plays different bird sounds every hour. It was more for me really.)

I put my trousers on, had a cup of tea, and thought about leaving the house.

"I was too big for your letterbox"

Today was going to be a productive day. I walked up to the post depot to collect my LADY GAGA graphic novel.

On the way up, it was sunny and crisp. Ahead of me was one of those girls who only wears leggings with no thought to her ass. I couldn’t help but note how her ass wiggled, and I thought “Where do they learn that? Finishing school for the sexually precocious?” Instead of a book on their head, I imagine an exercise involving opening doors with your buttocks.

I wish I could walk like that.

Anyway, picked up Lady G and treated myself to a trip round the Co-Op. I always go to Tescos you see, so it makes a refreshing change to go round a different massive generic chain store. I stood contemplating in front of the reduced section. Normally in Tesco, you have to fight for a good view. Sometimes when one of the staff is there with *gasp* a sticker gun and a pile of food- then the crowd becomes a scrum and the scrum becomes a mosh pit.

"80p? Let me at the all day breakfast sandwiches!"

But here in early morning Co-Op, I was completely on my own. I could take my time, and I did. ‘Hmm what nearly-off stodge would I like today?’ I mused with pleasure.

I chose an American style baked cheesecake and two pairs of muffins (lemon meringue and double chocolate).

I knew I was going to be at home all day, so I wanted to stock up. I get panicky otherwise.

I walked home, past the place that has fish-that-eat-your-feet-skin. A potential birthday present, Esther assures me.

Once home, made a cup of tea and set to work. After about 20 mins I started to feel hungry and rang Esther who was putting makeup on in the next room.

“Do you want elevensies, darling?” I ask

"I hear he's not even started work yet, and it's 12 already!" "Tsk!"

“I’ve just eaten a sugar mouse” she groans. “But I’ll have a cup of tea”.

I sit next to her and eat a lemon meringue muffin with my tea. Right, back to work.

An hour later, I feel hungry. Esther comes back from her CBT and it’s time for lunch.

I forgot to get any savoury food in the supermarket, so I have to eat the 3 mini pepperamis left in the fridge.

Back to work. I manage to get about 15 mins of solid work done, then my brain wanders.

“Hmm are there any interesting birds in the back garden? No. I wonder what everyone is doing out there in the world? Oh I can’t see anybody. I wonder how my coursemates are getting on with this work. Best not ask just in case.”

I start to feel sleepy, with the afternoon lull I always get around 3pm. I run downstairs and scoff some chocolate to wake me up.

Some more work.

Then Esther comes back and it’s time for afternoon tea.

I’m not sure what happened after that. Lots of cups if tea, staring at the computer screen, and washing up I think.

"I'm parched for a cuppa, it's been 30 whole minutes since the last one!"

I’ve got to work tomorrow. I wish every day was like today. Oh well.