Balding and Ugly…


I am going bald. And I have the wrong shape head to shave it all off (“Like a bullet” is the family trait).

So for £200/month,  I go into Tony and Guy twice a week and sit under a futuristic metal hood with sunglasses on for 12 and half minutes to grow it back with the Tomorrow’s World power of lazers. They’ve built a special room downstairs so that vain men with no hair to cut can slip past the legit customers and hide their shame behind an MDF wall.

Each time I go I try to think of something funny to say to the girl on reception to ease my embarrassment as she leads me down to the machine. It took me the whole bus journey last week to come up with a nickname for it. I keep getting distracted by the child behind me singing to his mum;

“Do carrots have eyes?

Do carrots have eyes?

Do carrots have eyes?”

“No” she hisses

“Do parrots have eyes?

Do parrots have eyes?

Do parrots have eyes?”

“NO!”

etc…

What to say? The helmettty thing that I sit under looks like a horseshoe crab, but I was worried that this convo might ensue;

“How’s the horseshoe crab today? Busy?”

“You what?”

“The horseshoe crab. The lazer hood looks like one of those crabs, you know with the sticky out bits”

“WTF are you talking about?”

“N-nothing. I was just saying…bit rainy today int it?”

I didn’t want to make my humiliation more acute, so I had to say something relaxed and cool, and make it sound like I had only just thought of it. So, futuristic black helmet–> robot–> something on telly that the 17-year-old chav receptionist will have seen –> Transformers!

Yes I was on to something. Now if I could only remember what the bad robot one was called, I was sorted. I can’t really remember them the first time round, and all I remember from the new films is shit-scary immensity and Megan Fox’s rubber face.

Optimus Prime? No that’s not the one.

Psychotron? No that’s Megadeth.

Megatron– got it. Now, how to make it sound cool?

I rehearsed the line a few times before arriving at Tony and Guy my usual 7 minutes late. As she’s pulling the helmet forward (I wish), I say casually;

“Let’s get the old Megatron out then”

A microsecond of prickly sweat, and then she chuckles. Thank fuck for that!

Now, what to say in 3 days time?