Boring and ugly pt. 4


 

Nov 22nd
Lisa has requested that she no longer features in this blog. “Well stop doing stupid things then” I  reply under my breath.
The other day she agreed to walk the dogs on her own. He put their leads on, got them ready then opened the door. “Ok you fuckers, which fucking park do you want to go to this time?”
She looked around and there was a man getting his shopping out of the car who had stopped mid trip to glare at Lisa with a look of outrage. From his angle, he had just witnessed Lisa winning worst mum of the year hands down. Lisa quickly dragged the dogs into view, and the man disappeared into his house.

Why the sudden male attention?

Nov 23rd
Esther wants to give my hair a trim. We get the trimmers out and she starts at the back. After 2 minutes I hear “Oh shit!”. “What the fuck have you done?” I ask. “It went a lot shorter than I meant it too. I’m going to have to do the rest of it like that”.
So, 20 mins later, I am now the poster boy for gay men in the military. I have a short back and sides with a little quiffy bit on top. Think Jedward channelling Tintin. I think my beard is actually longer than my hair. Great time of year for it.

 

To Be Continued…

WEIRD CRUSHES


Every year Heat magazine gets readers to vote for their Weird (Male) Crushes.
I want to start a version for men. Here are my nominations:

 

1.

Poster Mom for Redneck Republicanism

Sarah Palin
The bulldog with lipstick.

 

2.

"Do you want afters?"

Anne Reid
The sexiest Dinnerlady by far, and she knew it.

 

3.

"Ed Miliband is my glove puppet"

Harriet Harman
The smartest and most stylish outfit in Gordon Brown’s cabinet.

4.

"Want me to whippet?"

Annette Crosbie
The woman behind Victor Meldrew

 

5.

Who knew an IQ of 70 could be so endearing?

Kathy Burke as Waynetta
Disgusting smelly food stained slob, yet somehow cute?

6.

Stockholm Syndrome anyone?

Kathy Bates in Misery
Powerful and psychotic, what a great combo

 

I am deliberately omitting the obvs: Helen Mirren, Stephanie Beecham, Honor Blackman, Grace Jones, because you’re expected to fancy them. What I’m after is the really freaky crushes you’ve got.

 

Who would you nominate?

Boring and Ugly Part 3


DEVO-LUTION

Perhaps some background on Devo would be useful. He’s a whippet crossed with a hell hound, and Lisa bought him from a woman in Wigan when he was 3 weeks old. A wild Wigan whippet. She was sold on his cuteness but when she got him home he transformed into a gremlin having a bubblebath. He headbutts people in an effort to reach their faces, and eats anything that looks poisonous and inedible. He jumps on children and makes mums scream in horror. He won’t stand still long enough to shit, and off the lead he can circumnavigate the globe in 3.2 seconds. Fact.

This season's colour is 'priapic purple'

Nov 1st

I caught my first sight of Devo’s “lipstick” today. I’d been hearing for weeks how he liked to lick his belly till a big fat red lipstick willy came shooting out. But it had never happened while I’d been there. It had reached mythical proportions n my (sick?) head. A watched cock never pops out as they say. Well today, I saw it. It was fat and wet looking and unbelievably thick, like a sudden hernia erupting. Which reminds me, the first time Lisa saw it, she screamed and carried Devo to the corner shop to get Dom because she thought his erection was a medical emergency. By the time she’d dragged him over the road, the moment had passed, and he’d regained composure.

Nov 8th
Last night me and Esther had an argument after I happened to mention how good looking Sayid is in Eastenders. As my girlf is quick to point out, I probably should have been gay. She wants a pre-nuptual that binds me to stay with her even if I finally come out of the closet aged 45. The deal is: no sex but guaranteed companionship. And half my lifetime earnings. Same as now really. I had a ‘gay period’ (didn’t everyone? No? Really?) where I snogged lots of boys and got groped by a 30-something stand up comedian. When I didn’t ‘stand up’ he said “you’re very small” and carried on with his drink. Kissing was as far as I wanted it to go. I was 18 and running out of options. No girl would even look at me, so when I waked into a bar on Canal St. and got propositioned 3 times in 30 mins, I knew I could get my kicks, if not on Route 66, then on a ringroad circling Brokeback Mountain.
But as soon as a girl kissed me, I was out of there and on a train of glory to Heteroville. That was Year Zero. Ground Zero was a seedy club in Manchester called Mutz Nuts, know it? It happened after the lamest and best line ever. “I’m going now so I’d better kiss you” a completely beautiful stranger said to me. Ok. Then she left. Her friend was even sexier and I went up to her and said something, she led me to a darkened corner and rammed me up against the wall and ate my face off. I was in heaven, an uptight antelope gored by a sexy lioness. Afterwards she phoned her boyfriend to give her a lift home, and I spent £30 in a taxi getting home in time so I could work in Tesco for £28.

They surely don't!

Nov 16th

Lisa and Devo are freaks. They are like a Reduced Shakespeare version of Shameless, with all the characters played by a wayward misfit and a scrawny mutt. Last week, Lisa was in the bath and she realised that the front door was open and Devo had vanished. Her legs were too wet to put her knickers on. She shoved a t shirt on and ran up and down the road, looking under cars and down alleyways. When she got back to the house, Devo was there ‘What the fuck have you been doing?’ his face said. Once the panic had subsided, she realised her ass had been on show every time she’d bent over. Neighbourhood Watch got an eyeful.
Devo is obsessed with bottoms. Cat’s arses, dog’s arses, dog’s willies, Dom’s balls, Lisa’s vag. He can smell your bits through our clothes, and the longer you go in between showers, the more he shoves his head up there as a greeting. Several posh looking ladies have screeched when their genital hygience has been called into question by him. Perhaps the only sure way to wake Dom is to shove Devo under the duvet and wait for him to reach the dangly bits. That’s what you get for sleeping naked.

To Be Continued…

Boring and Ugly Part 2


29th Oct
Me “Do you find the smell of your bits comforting?”
Girlf “No, and I find that statement very uncomforting!”

Ding a Ling a Ling!

 

30th Oct
Lisa has been overacting about being bed ridden for several days. She says while covering her spots, that it “is like putting makeup on a dead person”.
Dom is grumpy. He thinks Lisa is angry with him. “Are you mardy because you’ve had me at your beck and call for 3 days and now I’m going out?!”
Lisa: “Ding a ling-a-ling!” (she mimes ringing a servant bell)
Dom makes a growling spaz noise that builds to a crescendo as he gesticulates rudely at her face.
L “we fell in love once…!”
Dom “Yeah wasn’t that like 2 years ago??”

10th Nov
Lisa and Dom got drunk last night. After dancing to drum n bass, Lisa started sobbing “My gran is wasting her confidence, she’s going to die and take it with her, bastard! I want it!”. Dom looked on in amusement.

15th Nov
On the way back from Tesco we started to make up a rap about Devo. It went a little something like this:

Coz I’m a whippet
I’m so fast
Could catch a meadow pipit
Coz I’m a whippet
And if you leave your beer alone
I will sip it
Coz I’m a whippet
Don’t be leaving your food

I is a whippet

Or I will tip it
Coz I’m a whippet
Better hide yer nose
Coz I wanna nip it
Init

Here’s my 2 line rap haiku from this morning:

If I was a mushroom
I’d be the shitake
If I was a bomb
I’d go down in Nagasaki

 

To Be Continued…

Things Devo Has Eaten


Satan's Little Helper

 

  1. Energy saver lightbulbs
  2. Bag of sugar
  3. Iron filings
  4. Pots of pepper and salt
  5. Polystyrene
  6. 4 pairs of headphones
  7. The cat’s bowl
  8. 20 or so corks
  9. 15 toilet rolls
  10. human shit, found in the bushes
  11. Dom’s pee, straight from the source
  12. several bloody panty pads
  13. 2 toilet brushes
  14. The Whole Kitchen Lino
  15. Pan scourers (and anything foam)
  16. Bottle of vitamin tablets (just the bottle)
  17. Acorns
  18. Macleans mouth spray
  19. BBQ coals
  20. A toothbrush
  21. Dom’s Crocodile skin cowboy boots
  22. A roll of cellophane
  23. A model boat- but not the oar

Boring and Ugly


Alternative titles:

  • Childless 30somethings.
  • A life more ordinary.
  • Barren and Bitchin.

As Phil Larkin once intoned, “They fuck you up your mum n dad”.

I’d like to extend this a little to: “ And your son and daughter. And your bro and sis. In fact it’s everyone else’s fault.”

This is a blog about four mentally ill 30 somethings who can’t work or seem to grow up, who are lifetime spongers and all they can do is sleep and get pissed. All names have been changed to protect our dignity. But I think the horse has already bolted.

Most days take the same flaccid shape: wake up with cat scratching my face and dog like a sack of sand diagonally on the bed. Let dog out and get breakfast in bed for my lazy girlfriend (Esther) and eat until we feel sick. Watch girlf put makeup on, think about what to wear today (is it going to rain? What if I get cold? etc), laze around watching bbc news and Heir Hunters (what if it was us…?) until time for elevenses (cup of tea and biscuits/cake. Fruit is unlikely). Then it’s time to get dressed, fetch some ‘poo bags’ (Tesco food bags…) get the now whinnying and prancing dog (Goldie, after the rapper) on the lead and head down the hill to girlf’s sister’s house.

We walk down a back road where Goldie can shit, pick it up and shove it in someone’s bin when noone seems to be around. When we get to Lisa’s house, we have to shove Goldie in the door before Lisa’s whippet (Devo, after their song Whip It) tears downstairs and attacks us with licks and pogoing.

After a cup of tea and biscuit while Lisa’s boyf Dom comes round and comes downstairs, we set off with the dog, leaving him to fiddle with endless projects that will never be completed, or to play guitar and/or music so loud he would have an ASBO if the hipster 50something neighbours weren’t his biggest fans.

Highlights (Lowlights?) of last month:

Are highlights always this good?

Tues 14th Oct 2010
Lisa came back knackered and grumpy as hell. “I’m writing a blog about all of us” I say excitedly. “What’s the point?” she scowls. “Because we’re unintentionally funny and freakish?”.
Dom was meant to have had a bath and walked the dogs with me. No such luck. “You’re just a horrible person” she says snidely to him. “You’re a horribler person” he repeats back when, a few minutes later she says something deeply disparaging. I thought I’d be brave “shall we walk them together Dom?” Surprisingly he agrees. Although it’s another 30mins before he’s ready, and even then he hovers around the door, dropping plectrums on the floor and leaving the door wide open while he thinks of anything he might have left. “Get Out!” shouts Lisa.

Everyone's fave cuddly serial killer

On the walk, Dom confesses that he is worried that he is exactly like the murdering psychopath in the Truman Capote book he’s reading. “He keeps a notebook and writes down the same things as I do, and he thinks the same way”. I say “yes but you haven’t killed anyone”; “Yet” I add under my breath, because if I was to believe the lyrics of his growling murder ballads, he is well capable of strange and unusual punishments.

Siamese Twins: a life of riley?

Wed 15th Oct
When we get to Lisa’s house, she is upset.
“I’ve been crying all night because I’m not a Siamese twin”, she says..
“WTF?!” we chorus.
“The only way you can stop yourself from being so totally alone, and dying alone, is to be joined to your twin. But I’m going to die alone”. She had been watching a C5 documentary about them and decided the conjoined siblings on it didn’t deserve to have a Siamese twin, they didn’t appreciate it properly.
Apparently she had a twin in the womb with her, but he died in there. If she had been a boy, she’d have been called Waldo. So this has become the name of her invisible twin brother. Lisa’s geek alter ego is called Nigel.

Esther’s party trick is to guess what order of siblng you are. She believes that you can tell an only, youngest, middle and eldest child apart easily and quickly. Most people think it’s pseudo-psychic bullshit.

22nd Oct
Dom was meant to walk the dogs and meet us in town. He rings up around 3pm “Have you walked the dogs yet?” asks Lisa. “No!”. “Were you hoping that I’d say I’d walk them instead?” she ventures. “NO!” he slams the phone down. That’s exactly what he was hoping.
Later she tells us that she asked him why he is so reluctant to take the dogs on his own- apparently Devo tries to attack Goldie and ends up wrapping his lead around Dom’s legs and he nearly fell into oncoming traffic as a result. He fears for his life. He can’t walk in a straight line at the best of times.

28th Oct
Arrived at Lisa and Dom’s around 1.30pm. They are in bed. “I feel terrible” she moans. “I feel shit too” mutters Dom. “No you can’t be poorly too!” She shouts “I need someone to look after me”.

Just before we got to bed, I mention casually that I want to move all my records up to the study from the dining room. Esther says ‘But what if we have parties?’ We won’t have any more, I reassure. I go to sleep. I wake up half way through the night and girlf is sat up, smoking. “I can’t stop thinking about the dining room” She has planned to fill it with shiny things: a museum of fascination.

To Be Continued….

Stephen Fry’s Shit-storm


Stephen Fry has stirred up a shitstorm in Heteroville by denouncing straight sex as a sham:

“I think most straight men feel they disgust women. They find it difficult to believe that women are as interested in sex as they are. For good reason. If women liked sex as much as men there would be straight cruising areas in the way there are gay cruising areas”. (Stephen Fry shocks feminists)

Women can only see themselves as sex objects, just as men can. They enjoy sex narcissistically as in ’I must be so sexy if men want to do this to me’. In the world of porn, men can get what they want even, and maybe especially, if they are dog-ugly.

The most famous male porn star in the world...

 

Our hetero culture is set up to fetishize the female body and to locate sexual desire solely in its curves. The Muslim attitude that women must be punished for their seductive bodies is just the thin end of our “she was asking for it” wedge.

“I feel sorry for straight men. The only reason women will have sex with them is that sex is the price they are willing to pay for a relationship with a man, which is what they want. They want a boyfriend and then they want commitment.

“Of course a lot of women will deny this and say, ‘Oh, no, but I love sex, I love it!’ But do they go around having it the way that gay men do?

And here's the most famous female porn star. Don't they make a lovely couple?

Lots of women defensively claim to ‘love’ sex. This is what keeps the Western world running. Where would porn-fed sexuality be without the willing woman who sacrifices her body to the male ego? For women, sex is a necessary evil- a way to keep a man, the rancid starter to a meal of security and contentment. Despite many attempts to sexualize the male body, cocks and balls can never be made to look nice. As one friend put it “it looks like my boyfriend’s intestines are hanging out”.
Most women manage to mask the horror of a looming erection by some serious method acting: the Oscar-worthy groans of fake orgasms are ready and waiting to help their man dump his load.

“Gay men are the perfect acid test. If they want to get their rocks off, they go into a park where they know they can do it.”

I once read that for men, sex is just ‘a posh wank’. I was a virgin at the time and I thought, no surely not, it must be the best feeling ever and wanking can only hint at it.

When you factor in all the guilt and unrealistic expectations from both parties, sex becomes a mess. Is the other person enjoying it? Am I doing it right? I’d better not think about anyone else! This isn’t like porn…

All these thoughts pass through our minds and stop us from being in the moment. The fact is that typically men have an insatiable sex drive, and women have a periodic, fluctuating one. So what is the answer?
Should women give in to the constant pressure to have sex, for the sake of the relationship or to ‘relieve’ the man?

Or should they hold out only until they are equally ready and willing? Even if this take months? Many women feel that if they don’t give their man what he wants, he will seek fun elsewhere (either porn or other women). Which leads to another dilemma:
Is it natural and acceptable for men to seek out their thrills from porn and to go deep into the world of fantasy sex? Is it our ‘right’ to get a fix wherever we can? Boys will be boys etc.
As a species, we are programmed to spread our seed as males and to enlist the protection of alpha males as women. This is why as we age, men become increasingly drawn to younger women, and women become increasingly attracted to older men (and younger, healthier ones than their partner).

What’s the solution? Are our needs and sexuality so different? Does heterosexuality even exist? For example, if women can only narcissistically enjoy their own bodies, and men can only narcissistically imagine themselves to be the lead role in an imaginary porn scenario, wantonly deceiving themselves that her groans of pleasure are real, who’s abusing who? Is it all just smoke and mirrors, a silly role play where we get pleasure vicariously from each other?