Journal of mental illness

It has taken me 15 years to realise that the nest of vipers that constitute my thoughts are not normal or healthy and in fact other people seem to be able to get through life being happy and confident without being plagued with doubt .
Over the past 2 years I have diagnosed as a ‘mild obsessive compulsive with social anxiety and depression’. This is starting to make sense.
I am currently being referred for Body Dysmorphia Syndrome, and this will be another label for the mess in my head.
I have tried antidepressants (Sertraline), counselling and a beginner course in CBT. The drugs made me feel numb and then worry about feeling numb. The counselling was kind of good, I got to confess all my guilty thoughts but they always came back and so I seemed to always be epxressing the same feelings every week, no matter how well I became at articulating them and rationalising them.
CBT has had the biggest effect because it has made me dare to do things that I hadn’t realised I was avoiding. But my therapists were trainees and were learning on the job.
My main problem is that I feel hideously ugly most of the time, apart from when I feel absolutely gorgeous. I have no middle ground, and I never forget what I look like. Other people can live in the moment and just BE, but I am unrelentingly self-conscious, I never give myself a break.
I think it started when I was bullied at primary school for being a swot and taller than everyone else, and for not really caring about what was cool….
to be continued

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